Where We Go From Here...

Where Have I Been???

2012-02-16T13:15:00.000-06:00

I am so not the best person in the world to keep up with certain things...such as this blog. I just read over all my posts and it made me start thinking I need to update...and maybe even go "public." First of all, I have no idea why I only feel the need to blog when my child is sick?? You will be happy to know she is not sick right now :). There are some things on here I still don't want to share. It is easier for me to talk to strangers. I don't want people I face to see the emotional side of me. I have always been this way. I am just now starting to feel ok about sharing some of my feelings. I still attend my completely Southern Baptist Church. God has brought an amazing man into service at this church. If we will let him, he will take our church to a whole new level. Anyway, I also attend a contemporary church. I absolutely love being there, not because of the "church" or even the people, but because I can feel God's presence there. I believe people meet God through different experiences. I love all the people at both churches. I just want to experience the love of God He has in store for me and be a servant to His work all around me. A friend God has brought into my life, and I are doing the Experiencing God study together right now. I have opened up my heart to the words on the pages and am totally amazed at all God is showing me. I plan to blog about some of the things I have noted from the study in the hopes it may help someone else. I just want to take this time to thank God for all He has given me. And to come to Him asking His presence in the life of a friend who is in Texas right now awaiting the results of her CT scan from yesterday. She has a form of liver cancer. She is also the mom of two small children and is only 30 years old. I pray for complete healing for her body and ask that you do the same. There are so many hurting people out there. I have been reading blogs from around the world about people fighting horrible diseases. I know everyone faces their own struggles in life. Some are much more evident than otheres. I have a cousin who tried to kill himself two days ago. What is going on in his life that makes him feel this is the only answer? It is not as evident as something he has to constantly go to the doctor for or something that is spread on facebook. God loves us all exactly the same. Some of us choose to love Him back and others don't. For those of us who do, it is our duty to not only pray for others but to LOVE them. Can you imagine loving your neighbor? Can you imagine loving complete strangers? You can't do it by yourself. God has been teaching me through this study that the only way I can love as He does is to love through Him. He is the one who is Love and by surrendering my life to Him, I can Love others. I desire to live my life so you can see Him through me. I pray that you will join me in this journey and turn your life over to Him as well.

May God Bless YOU

Doctor Appointment

2011-05-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

My little girl is sick :(. She woke up with a fever during the night on Wednesday night. Thursday she still had a fever and started having a runny nose and a slight cough. Complained of her throat being scratchy and the back of her neck hurting. I was concerned when she said neck because I have heard of Meningitis before and that sounded extremely scary. Being the crazy mom I am, I immediately googled Memingitis in Children. She didn't have any of the other symptoms beside fever so I thought we were probably ok. Around 5:00 I finally gave in and called the doctor. When I was describing symptoms the nurse told me we needed to go ahead and make her an appointment. So, we headed out to Roebuck. That is at least an hour drive. We got to the office at 6:30. The doctor saw us rather quickly. As she was checking my daughter out, she seemed to linger in the neck area. She also looked a little concerned when she was listening to her chest. She decided to do bloodwork so we did a finger prick. Little girls do NOT like finger pricks btw. When she came back, she said her blood levels were just fine ~ Praise the Lord ~ and that it was something viral. Then comes the frustrating part...since it is viral we really can't give her anything, it just has to run it's course. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly take frustrating anyday over the alternative!! I just don't like feeling so helpless when my little girl feels so badly. I know all you parents out there definitely know that feeling. Anyway, then the doctor proceeded to tell me how to handle viral things. I thought it was very interesting so I thought I would share here so you could read it and so I could keep up with where I wrote it down lol.

She said that when a child has a fever medicine is not always the right answer. You are supposed to treat the symptoms, not the fever. "Fever is God's way of warming up the body to kill the infection." When a fever comes with a pain, such as a headace, sore throat, ear pain, then you do need to give Motrin in order to ease the pain. I had heard this before but I still think it is interesting and very helpful advice!! She also mentioned what happens when you do give Motrin. You know, the roller coaster of feeling better and worse. She says once the Motrin gets in the system, your body thinks it feels better so you want to get up and play and maybe eat something. This takes energy that needs to be used to fight off the infection. Basically, if you do have to give Motrin, keep activity to a minimum when you hit the points of feeling "better." Also, you can tell the difference in viral and bacterial infections with the Motrin. If you give Motrin and the fever comes down but the child still lies around feeling horrible with no energy, then it is NOT viral and needs to be checked out. I am in no way giving medical advice!!!! I am just passing along the helpful hints my doctor gave me.

May God Bless YOU...

Great Way to Start a Day

2011-03-20T14:30:00.000-05:00

I know it has been forever since I have added anything. I don't know if anyone has stumbled across me yet. I just had to put some things into words today. First of all, my baby girl was sick with a virus on Friday. It is devastating to know your little one is sick and there is nothing you can do but push fluids :(. Anyway, she is doing so much better today...I feel she is almost normal again. With that being said though, I know you moms out there can see why I made the choice to not take her to church this morning...can't stand the ones who come "just to spread the germs." Our pastor has been in another country doing mission work in schools and orphanages this past week. His flight got in late last night so we had a guest preacher this morning. Let me just tell you, I get nervous about different preachers. I know God speaks to and through all of his appointed men, however, there are just some that are not for me. After just writing that, I see how bad it sounds. Maybe I am letting the devil have power over me there. That is something I am definitely going to start working on. Anyway, I have a very good family friend who is married to a deacon of the church. She informed me the guest today was good and that I should go. Do you know how badly I wanted to just stay in bed this morning and be lazy just because I knew I could?? My mom volunteered to stay home and keep my daughter so I could go. I almost argued that she could go instead. But "something" kept nagging at me to get up and get ready. So I finally gave in and got all dressed up. I got to the church by myself and felt great until my dad met me in the back and told me he was going to stay in the nursery to listen to the intercom because his back was hurt and he couldn't sit on the pew. Here was another way out. I "manned" up though and decided I could sit through a one hour church service. Don't you just hate how the devil tries all these stupid little ways to creep into your head??? After EVERYTHING God does for me and I almost let the devil take away the one hour service I owed to Him. Anyway, I did stay at church. And the preaching was amazing!!! Have you ever felt the message was JUST FOR YOU? I have heard people say that before but I had never really experienced it. This man who does not know me or my situation stood up there and basically gave me the outline God wants me to use when giving my testimony. It is absolutely amazing how it is all coming together. It is totally terrifying how it is happening so quickly. Am I going to have to start speaking in front of people before long? Am I supposed to tell people I now know exactly why God let's bad things happen to "good" people??? I have kind of thought about people being reached through something I have to say, but even as the children's directory pointed out during Children's Time today, it is all about communication. She told one kid that "Wed night services start at 6:00". Through that kid telling another kid telling another kid and so on...before long all the kids knew. What if I speak to one person and they share with one person who shares with one person. Is that what my mission in life is now???

Know that I am praying for you!!!

God Bless

Firsts...

2011-01-27T20:21:00.000-06:00

So there is this blog out there in blogland written by some lady i don't know. I connected to her through someone knowing someone kinda thing. She is really an inspiration though. She lost her 13 year old son to a lifelong disease right before Christmas. I was reading her blog a couple days ago and I just can't get over her list of lasts. She recounted the last time she held him, the last time he smiled, the last time he opened his eyes and so on. What stuck with me is our list of firsts:
Our first date...we met on a blind date and had a movie theater all to ourselves. SO much fun!!
Our first kiss...same night on my front steps.
The first time he spent the night at my parents house...we had been dating a month and I was sick so he stayed to take care of me.
Fast Forward>>>
The birth of our daughter.
Our first family picture...in the delivery room.
Our first family holiday.
Our first family vacation.
And the list goes on and on.

And then last night, I began to think about the not so good firsts...when my parents and I took my daughter to the ER for the first time (thought she had a reaction to some medicine but everything turned out ok Praise the Lord!). This is the first time she has been sick without her daddy :(. Then I get sick and this is the first time I have been sick since he has been gone. We had our first Christmas without Daddy. I have had a birthday without my husband.

I can see where people can crawl in a hole and pretend life stops. But, I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and I am her Mommy. I have made the conscious effort to live life with her. I loved my husband with all my heart and our daughter is the light of both of our lives. He wouldn't want me to let her down. That would let him down as well. And as I type that I realize it would let Him down. Again, I am not perfect and don't even claim to be. I want to live my life for Him and raise my daughter to live her life for Him as well. Instead of complaining about the things I logged on here to compain about, I am going to pray for those people. I have only one request, as opposed to complaint ~ please stop treating me like my life is over. Just because someone goes through something devastating, don't make it the center of every conversation you have with said person. Trust me, I think about it ALL the time. I don't need you to remind me, or my daughter. Please take people's feelings into consideration. Don't gossip about them. Don't spread rumors or even things that are true. Don't think that everything is your business! Ok, enough of that. Pray for me and I'll pray for you!

God Bless YOU

Snowed In

2011-01-12T22:25:00.000-06:00

So we haven't been able to leave the house in 3 days and I am going nuts. I am having to get used to living with people again who are always in my business. My husband was different, I wanted to share everything with him partly because I didn't feel like he invaded my personal space. My grandmother lives with my parents and has since I was five years old. She and I don't really see eye to eye on many, many things. Raising my daughter is a big one of them. I don't like having to have someone looking over my shoulder all the time. I want to raise my daughter the way I want to raise her.

Today has been a difficult day for me on a couple different levels. I am really missing the little things about my husband today. I keep trying to stay busy but little things keep seeping in. I know I will never forget him and I don't want to forget anything about him. I love and miss him so much!!

I think not being able to go anywhere is really getting to me. The devil uses any little thing he can to get to us. It's not like I am even used to going somewhere everyday. It is just someone else telling me I can't go. So, I started looking at it another way. I am getting to spend so much time with my daughter. My dad got to play out in the snow with us for a couple hours on Monday. Some of the mess in this house is finally getting cleaned up. (I have been begging my mother since we started living here to clean out closets and get rid of a bunch of junk but it is just so hard for her. I know she doesn't understand how I feel since everything was taken from me and I didn't have a choice.) We have been able to donate so much stuff to a local charity. That makes me happy. God had so many people donating things to my daughter and me initially that there was no way we could keep it all. So, although all of it was greatly appreciated, much of it has been sent on to help others. God has been dealing with me about ways to give back. I know that next year I want to "adopt" a child for Christmas and give them things but what do you do before then? It is easy to find a way to help at Christmas time, but what do you do in the other times of the year? Maybe I can start volunteering somewhere? Who knows what God will bring me to. I know sorting out my thoughts really helps though. Thanks for "listening."

May God Bless YOU

It's Called Missing Somebody

2011-01-11T16:13:00.000-06:00

So I am reading a book and these are the last words of the chapter. It stinks to miss somebody!! The main character's mother died when she was five years old and she has almost no memories of her. My baby is only two and a half. I know she won't have any real memories of her daddy and that hurts my heart. I know I still have pictures of everything because of wonderful external hard drives, and I can tell her all about the things they did together. But, I like to think back on my own memories and I wish she could have that as well. I wonder if God will send us a new man to be a part of our lives. I won't go looking for anyone. I know if He has someone for us He will send him to us. Just like He sent her wonderful daddy to me and her to us. Be in prayer for us that we will let God lead us in our lives in this upcoming year and every year there after. I'll be praying for you.

God Bless YOU

I am Human

2011-01-10T23:05:00.001-06:00

Now, everything either occured BEFORE or AFTER. I don't have to say before November 28 or before the day I lost my husband. I can just say we bought that before and everyone knows what I mean. Who knew everything could change in one instant. Well, in the back of my head I guess I did. I have sure heard it before but now I have a BEFORE day. That is a super hard thing to get used to.

Don't get me wrong, I am still a human. I am doing this prayerfully but I am by no means perfect. People still push me to my limits. I am just making sure I deal with it differently. I am a very private person. I keep thinking why am I writing all my thoughts in a blog for anyone to read. I don't want everyone to know what I think and feel. I have always been an extremely independent person. I know how to do things on my own that the people that I know would never guess about me. My mom has always been totally dependent on my dad. He is a great man to be dependent on but if something were to happen to him, she would never survive. That is a very scary thought. Maybe that is why I was so determined growing up to know how to survive on my own. I don't want to be all alone and I am so extremely thankful for my family who has taken in my daughter and myself. But I don't have to depend on a man to take out the trash or move the chair to another room or put pictures up on the wall. I can put my daughter's toys together. My husband always made me put her stuff together and he always said it was because if he was at work and something messed up I would know how to fix it. I know it was just because he was tired and didn't want to do it. He hardly ever got a break. He worked and I didn't. But I am glad he taught me how to do things for our daughter. My mom has said so many times since we have been here that she always wondered why I was so independent. She says she didn't raise me that way. She has pointed out that it was because God knew what I was going to have to go through.

Anyway, now I am turning to God to see me through the ridiculousness and craziness of people (as my best friend put it). I shouldn't hold grudges. But I am not going to sit here and type to you that I am so perfect. I am having an extremely hard time with some people. How do you respect someone who you know hurt the one you loved?? How do I spend time with someone I know abandoned him in his greatest time of need? He wrote a letter to our daughter for her second birthday (because I made him lol). Of course I don't have the letter anymore but I remember reading it. He told her that no matter what she ever did or grew up to be, he would always love her!! She will never read that letter but you better believe she will know what it said. I know kids can do some things that can make you crazy or worse but I have always known and pledge right now that whatever my child does, I will never ever ever love her any less. Some people have no idea what an AMAZING guy they missed out on. What happens when everyone in this small town reads my thoughts? This is the hardest part for me. I don't share things with people. I am not an emotional person. I struggle with letting people in and I always have. It terrifies me to put all these things out there where anyone can find them. But God put this on my heart that I am supposed to share this with someone. I don't know who you are or when you will find this. I know you will and I know it will help you in a way I may never know. But, keep coming back.

God Bless YOU

Inspired

2011-01-09T19:56:00.000-06:00

Where do I even begin??? You always hear...all things happen for a reason, life is short, you never know when your "time" will come. But bad things always happen to other people. Right? Which brings me to the inevitable question: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I thought I was a good person. I thought I had a perfect life. I took entirely too much for granted!!

For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. This tells us that there are NO good people. So bad things don't happen to good people...we are bad but are blessed with the good!! That made me feel a little better. Then I started to list my blessings and, no surprise, the list was endless. So, I decided to do the blog thing and just put some thoughts out there. I don't know if anyone will read this or if it will make any sense but I know I have been inspired from blogs written by people I don't even know. Maybe someone out there will find this and get a blessing from it.

It all started when I applied for a job last year...or so I thought. I was trying to get a job at a Christian School and a part of the application process was to write my personal testimony of faith. So I did.

I grew up in a Christian family with wonderful Christian parents and an amazing church family. I wasn't in the most popular group in school but I had some pretty awesome friends. I accepted the Lord as my Savior at the age of nine. I didn't do any of the "bad" teenage stuff. Sure, I went places my parents didn't know about, I said bad words because that was cool, I made out with some guys but didn't go any further... I even told my parents on numerous occasions they should be glad because I wasn't drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around. We went to church everytime the doors opened. I even felt called into the Children's Ministry. But, guess what, I ran. I decided I knew best. I got married to a truly amazing man that I know God had picked out just for me!!! We had the most beautiful beach wedding (which he planned ... everything I asked for, he made happen). I got a job teaching school. We moved away from everything I knew and we were going to find a church home there. But...if you skip one Sunday, it is easier to skip two, and then three, and then four, and pretty soon it was normal to sleep in on Sunday and watch movies together. We were married for a little over a year when we got pregnant. We were totally excited!!!! Even though we were supposed to start "trying" about the time the baby was due, God knew exactly what we needed and when. I was now in my second year of teaching third grade. Unfortunately, pregnancy was not all that I expected it to be. I was sick almost the entire time. When I wasn't sick, I was so tired I couldn't function 100 percent. I know I let those students and their parents down although no one ever said anything like that to me. Nevertheless, at the end of that year, I received the dreaded pink slip. My beautiful daughter was born three and a half weeks after I lost my job. We were totally blessed that I was able to stay home with her the following year. The summer she turned two (this past summer), I tried to get back into the workforce. I prayed for God to send me to the right school. I found a Christian School that offered less than half the pay of a public educator and no insurance. But, there was an adjoining preschool/daycare my daughter could attend. I was sure this was the answer to my prayers. So, I wrote my testimony. Then I noticed it was kind of boring. It wasn't very long and there was nothing there to show that I was a Christian in any way except that I was saved and I had taught Sunday School. Not that I lived my life in any way to show my Christianity to others. I began to talk to God about this. I didn't get the job at that Christian school and I was extremely disappointed. I stopped praying for God to send me to the right school but I started to say, "I know You know what is best for me and my family. Help me to be good with that." I became comfortable with the fact that I wasn't going to get a job this year, even though money was getting tight.

Our little family began to spend SO much time together. We did fun things all summer and fall. We even took our two year old ice skating. When she loved it, we bought all three of us some skates and began to skate on the sidewalks around our neighborhood. We went to Boo at the Zoo and Trunk-or-Treating. We had the absolute BEST times together!! My husband got a new job and everything was looking up. We were all extremely happy together. We were getting ready for Christmas. We had started to decorate the house and had bought up tons of presents. Thanksgiving weekend was approaching and we were going to our families houses for the weekend. My daughter and I left on Wednesday morning and my husband came up on Wednesday after work. We spent the night together and went to his family Thanksgiving lunch. He had to go back home and work on Friday and Saturday so my daughter and I decided to stay with my parents and go home on Sunday. We had a great weekend and we talked to Daddy on Friday and Saturday before bedtime.

And then Sunday morning, my parents came into "my" room and woke me up with the words:
The baby is ok. She is in her bed and nothing is wrong with her. (At this point I am awake enough to realize they are both crying.) But there was a fire at your house last night. (Now I am thinking ok...a fire is bad but we will get through it.) And he didn't make it out. (WHAT??? My husband didn't make it out of a house that was on fire???? How do you not get up and leave a house that is on fire????)

We have since found out that it was an electrical fire (started in the wires in the wall...nothing to do with Christmas decorations or smoking...neither of us smoke) and the carbon monoxide put him into a coma like state before the flames even started.

All that said, I get to the point I want to make:

GOD WILL NOT BRING YOU TO IT IF HE WILL NOT BRING YOU THROUGH IT!!!!

I have come to know my Jesus in a whole new way. "You just do what you gotta do." Well, while in prayer and in faith that God did bring you this hardship for a reason. I still have my two and a half year old daughter Praise God!!! Only He knew what was going to happen at our house that night. We all could have been there and we all would have been gone. I had a hard time accepting this in the very beginning. My first reaction was that if I had been there I would have gotten us all out because I am a lighter sleeper than him. So God showed me by the burn pattern that I was wrong once again. The room least affected was my sweet baby's room. My husband and I would have been overcome by the carbon monoxide but our baby would not have. She might or might not have made it out but she would have been badly hurt either way. Once I saw that, I put things back into perspective again. It is truly horrible to lose my husband and my best friend. But God gave us our baby girl just in time for us to spend all that time together and love her while he was still here. I believe with all my heart that we were away that night because He has plans for our lives. I obviously don't know what they are but I do know that I will trust in Him and try my hardest to be obedient to His wants instead of my own.

I am not going to send this blog out to anyone. None of my family or friends are even going to know that it exists. If anyone finds and reads it, it will truly be because God brought you here. I know I didn't write much in this entry about my "new life" but, come on, it is so long already. This morning, the preacher spoke about the definition of faith. He said Faith is knowing something is going to happen just because you believe it. I was convicted at that time to actually start writing this blog that I have been thinking about doing for so long. So, I am going to stop for tonight but I am going to keep updating it with all the wonderful things God is going to be doing in my life. I know there is at least one person out there He is going to bring to this blog. It may not be tonight or this year but I have the FAITH that you are out there and my testimony in my Jesus will help you in some way.

May God Bless YOU